I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
