Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
