DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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