at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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