i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
