My liver just broke up with me...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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