I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize