oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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