I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
