so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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