coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
