So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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