i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
