meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
