do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
