just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
