Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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