I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
