When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
