"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
