I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
