So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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