i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
