I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
