she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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