Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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