no, he came in my armpit
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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