I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
