Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
