So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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