TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
