I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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