He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm always down for nudity.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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