you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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