happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
