I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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