Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
