We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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