maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
