My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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