I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
