Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize