Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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