I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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