have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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