Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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