Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
