I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
