I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
