the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
