just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
