I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
