you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
