the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
