So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
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