Tell her she can't have a vagina
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
