The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
