did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i need some magic done to my vagina
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
