This is not my ceiling
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
