You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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