youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Swine flu is the new snow day.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
