I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
