There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
