I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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